Finally Letting Myself Speak Up on the Internet
The Internet I Grew Up With
I have pretty much gone my whole life as a "passive scroller" in some capacity. The last I don't even what to know how many years, I have done nothing on social media but mindlessly scroll through Instagram reels. I've made about 4 posts on there in my entire life (and deleted 3 of them). I spent high school scrolling Reddit without making a single comment. Care free child me didn't even have the guts to post anything on Flipnote Hatena. It's weighed on me recently that I haven't done much to contribute my thoughts to the internet, despite how important that may be for someone in my field of study and as a person in general.
I think one of the biggest reasons for my lack of internet activity is my anxiety surrounding the modern social stigma that everything needed to be in my name. I grew up just too late and didn't ask enough questions in my childhood (what my second post will probably be about) to be a part of the early internet, where discovering web pages, contributing to forums, and meeting people in chat spaces under some anonymous avatar was the unmistakable norm. My first real taste of social media was during the early rise of Instagram. If you're a teenager who already struggles with social anxiety, and all of a sudden the new cultural norm for people your age is to share everything going on in your life with everyone you know, you can imagine how that scenario may play out.
I also feel that modern developments in not just Instagram, but all social media sites like YouTube and Twitter created this false idea in my head that whatever I posted online needed to be the greatest thing ever. What I shared with the world needed to be something that would make me someone in their eyes. To not feed the masses what they wanted or, god forbid, say something they disagree with, would inevitably lead to the ultimate punishment: harassment, doxing, or worse (again, an exaggerated image for someone with no presence at all at that point).
A New Internet and a New Me
With the growing popularity of federated social media, I saw an opportunity to join the internet on a relatively clean slate. I could join a small server that wouldn't put everything I say on blast to the world, and where I felt more comfortable joining anonymously. I could make an effort to curate the content that I view to not be inundated with an endless stream of brainrot, slop, and doom scrolling content. I could find small-web blog sites like this where I can freely say what I think and how I feel without the pressure of appeasing anyone or having my full name and face permanently stamped on it. I could feel like more of a part of the technologies and communities I'll spend my life studying and being a part of.
This new year also came with it a desire to be more true to myself. I want to try new things. I want accept and embrace what I enjoy doing regardless of how others may perceive me (even if what I'm doing is anonymous, that feeling of judgement still lingers). And most importantly, I want to connect with the people in this world who feel likewise.
I consider creating this blog post as my first step towards finally pushing back against these anxieties. I won't lie, I still feel nervous about hitting Publish, but it's the kick in the butt I need to become the person that I truly want to be. A programmer, a writer, maybe even an artist. But, most importantly, I want to be me.